No Secret From Me
by Shikibu Murasaki
Summary: Gojyo and Hakkai's relationship makes Sanzo think about certain things. Love, strength, death and losing his chances to be with he one he loves... 58 and implied 38 ONESHOT


**No Secret From Me**

**Written By Shikibu Murasaki**

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**Disclaimers: Gensoumaden Saiyuki does not belong to me. **We all know that the Sanzo-ikkou belong to Kazuya Minekura-sensei and that if I owned them, Sanzo x Hakkai would be cannon.

**Author's Notes: **This was kind of like a stream of consciousness thing. So... It dwells on a couple of things. I had to state that so it wouldn't be too confusing. 58 hintage. Sanzo-angst. A lot of it. It's what this one-shot is about, really.

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I'm not that stupid. Of course I know about the two of them. They try not to make it too obvious; it's worked on the stupid monkey. But they should know better than to think that they got me fooled. I just don't want to say anything since it would be pointless. If that's what they want, why should I bother or care to stop them? As long as they don't bother me then they can do whatever the hell it is they want. It's convenient for Gojyo to tell me he doesn't want to sleep in the same room as Goku because he makes too much noise. That would be Hakkai's cue to calm him down and suggest that they share the room for the night. It's been like that for the past few weeks. I should be used to it by now. The annoying part is trying to convince myself that I don't give a damn. Because I really shouldn't. I usually won't. 

So why do I?

I'm out of smokes again. I look up at Hakkai who suddenly calls Goku to ask him if he wants to come with him to do the grocery. Being the dumb ape that Goku is, he'd jump at the first opportunity to get some food. So, he agrees. Before I can say anything – Gojyo looks up and asks Hakkai for the same thing that I need. We're both out of cigarettes. I'm watching them look at each other. You'd think they were the same – but I always look closely without even trying. There's something different about the way they'd exchange glances. They knew exactly what the other one meant. Again, they'd be looking forward to when everyone would be asleep. When they can be together, when they can fuck each other's brains out and no one could ever stop or suspect. And as much as it surprises me, I've never seen the perverted imp look at a woman the same way he looks at Hakkai. I'm not surprised – Hakkai's always been the one able to tolerate the stupidity of that perverted bastard. They've known each other the longest, I should've seen this coming – I think at some point, I did and I ignored it. I didn't bother with things like these – because I never cared for them.

Love? It's not really something I think about. At least maybe some fleeting thoughts about it – the only love I ever felt was for my master. My master who I considered to be my father and my teacher – the one I looked up to the most. I respected him and loved him. I can never deny that – I don't need to say it out loud. I don't need to tell anyone. I didn't need to tell him because he knew. After he died, after he was taken from me – I didn't think I could feel the same way for anyone. Love for anyone else – in whatever sense of the word. It's something that faded away in the back of my head. It's a waste of time to wonder about something I'm not sure I really want. I've relied and believed in myself until now – and it's what keeps me moving. I've never needed anyone to help me through. That's why I still feel different with these three idiots hanging around me all the time. It never felt this way when I'd been traveling around on my own.

These three really do annoy the hell out of me. But I can't deny the fact that they're good enough. Good enough to be with because I know they won't be any trouble for me – most of the time. They do stupid things, that's true – but they can manage without me. That's what I want. I don't want anything to protect – because I know that's something I can't do. Not ever since that day. It's something I can't get rid of. The pain of losing someone that means so much to you – right before your eyes – without you being able to do a thing, just because you weren't quick enough.

It sickens me to think about it – it makes me sick of myself. Right now, the thought of it makes me want to laugh. No, I'm not strong at all. I've never felt so helpless and useless in my life. At that very moment, when it happened – I meant nothing – I had to do something to prove myself wrong. Which I did, I could've chose to end my life. But something keeps stopping me – something keeps telling me to go on. That thought always gets the better of me and so here I am now.

Hakkai turns to me, asks me if I'm alright. After I nod, he looks at me – as if trying to guess what was wrong. I just frown at him to push him off. People should stay out of whatever it is that's on my mind. They've got no business to ask. He gets the hint and asks me if I want anything. I tell him that I'm out of smokes as well and that he should make sure we have enough supplies for the rest of the trip. I give him the gold card, his fingers touch mine momentarily and I feel myself jump from the inside. I did a great job in hiding that one, as he didn't seem to notice and just gave me another smile. I look at him one more time – that smile was the one that told me just how happy he was with Gojyo. That he was content and that he would never want to leave. I look at him directly, seeing the trail of longing in the last glance he gave me disappear as he turns around and heads to the door with Goku. It was then that I knew the truth. He'd been waiting for me to say something, as I waited for him to ask. But we were never like that. We never saw the point in saying anything about this. Because there was something we had it common.

We both thought it would be pointless.

I look at the empty, crumpled pack of cigarettes a few inches away from my hands placed on the table. The coffee mug, which only had stains of, dried up dregs, was across me. I remained quiet as I heard the door shut – just looking at the things that were placed before me on the wooden table. Gojyo was on a chair near the door, smoking his last cigarette. He still had one more reserved. He looked at me as he noticed me glancing at him. He grins, leaning on the chair. In his usual haughty tone he tells me.

_''You said my cigarette brand tasted like shit. So, don't expect me to give you this last one. You're gonna have to wait, corrupt bastard.''_

My lips form into a sardonic smile, painful and bitter as I realized I just lost another chance again.

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**TSUZUKU**

Comments and Suggestions are welcome... I really mean that. :)


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